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How to deal with Indian parents when dating a Caucasian girl? - white girlfriend . Ask MetaFilter

Indian Parents and Dating 2

I will have an arranged marriage at some point in my life. If my parents knew about these thoughts in my head, there is a good chance I could be disowned. I was born and raised in a well-off household in the Northeast. I had pretty much everything I needed, and a lot of the time I received what I wanted as well. From a material-standpoint my childhood was excellent.

If you get to a point with this woman where your parents are ready to meet, and everyone is on board with meeting being a positive thing, go ahead and introduce them. But definitely cross that bridge when you come to it, and when everyone is ready.

If you never get that serious with this particular woman, the upside to conducting your life this way is that, the next girl you date, your parents will be ready for it. It won't have to be a big sneaking around production. Also, re your dad and your cousin -- a lot of people are judgy about situations that have nothing to do with them.

I wouldn't take that to mean anything about how he'll behave about your situation. And, again, even if he's against it, so what? Is he going to order you to break up with her?

This Video Shows What Indian Parents Actually Think About Dating

And if he did, would you? Also re your parents "not letting you go out", WTF? You're a grown adult. Go out if you want to go out. What are they going to do about it? Your parents don't have to approve of everything you do Yeah, this. I know how strong the desire to not disappoint your parents can be, especially in the case of immigrants, but disappointed parents are not the end of the world. They should be able to move on.

Agree with Sara C. Your parents will have to accept the fact that you are dating ethnically Indian woman or not at some point. Do it gently and with love though; I am guessing they are on the older side and if they are first generation Indians, they probably had to deal with a lot of hard work and cultural shocks and adjustments etc. I can tell you that its not worth the trouble.

Also, if you get to the point where things are pretty steady between you and your girlfriend, you could try to explain her the situation lest she feels weirded out, you know.

Your parents don't have to approve of everything you do Grown adults support themselves. The poster sensibly recognises that he lives under their rules while he lives under their roof they're probably also paying for school.

OP: You can judge for yourself how likely a very strong reaction is, but I would not tell them, spend less time with her nights a week seems a lot, don't either of you have jobs or anything?

If you don't have a job, get onefinish school and move out, then date whoever you want. Or if this is intolerable, make a plan for supporting yourself sooner, and tell them then.

Basically, if you tell them and they forbid you to see her, what are you going to do? If you tell them about her and they say you can't live with them and see her, what are you going to do? If you tell them and they say they won't pay for your education when you are obviously not taking it seriously but wasting all your time hanging out with some girl, what are you going to do?

vain superego dating devdas. Indian parents put their sons on a pedestal since birth, so it is extremely tough for a woman to later change that. Dating is an anti-virginity-retention tool, and hence loathed by Indian parents. It opens doors that they would rather tightly lock and have the. I'm the daughter of traditional South Indian, Hindu, Brahmin parents. I'm not While I have never explicitly talked to my parents about dating or.

My friend is a white girl dating a first generation Indian guy. His parents live on the other side of the country, and he always said that he would tell them about her when they were basically engaged.

After about four and a half years, that happened earlier this year and they won't speak to her and don't want to meet her, so far. Some other thoughts: sounds like this is your first relationship. Don't rush into it.

I (28M) am dating a beautiful Indian girl (27F). Im not Indian but she keeps hiding me from her family and won't tell them? What are Indian parents like?. Dating as an Indian can be summarized in two categorizes. Either you're too old and you should have been married yester. Indian online dating app TrulyMadly's YouTube channel uploaded a video today where they interviewed parents in Mumbai about their views.

You barely know her, don't be too hasty to commit to 'this is forever'. As phunniemee says, don't make it about 'this one girl', because then if you break up you'll seem to have lost everything you argued for. Don't put too much pressure on her to meet your parents, or allow her to try and make you move faster. If this really is forever, she can afford to wait another year for them to know about her.

Don't allow 'being in a relationship' to substitute for all the other aspects of growing up that you've asked about like getting a job, setting boundaries with your parents, graduating, etc. There's living under your parents rules while they pay for your education, and then there's being forbidden to go out based on your parents' whims.

OP isn't nine. I think it's probably OK for him to come and go when he pleases. I mean, the interracial relationship thing, that's a much bigger kettle of fish and OP needs to find his own way to deal.

Indian parents and dating

But no, I don't think it's wrong or rash or ungrateful to start standing up to them a little bit. I'm also first-gen Indian, son of pretty strict parents who are also very traditional. I've gone through what you're going through, and my advice is not to tell them. The things like "not letting me go out" are hard to explain to people not raised by strict Indian parents, but I understand how it's difficult for you, especially living at home, which I luckily didn't have to contend with.

I also had the older cousin who married a white girl and whose marriage ended badly and all my other cousins who married brown people happened to work out swimmingly so I've heard what your dad has been saying thousands of times.

I happened to have dated almost all white girls in my 20s - I was inexperienced and needed to figure out how to be in relationships, so the simple odds are that you'll meet white girls much more often than others.

My first girlfriend I dated for about months before telling my parents - I think once you reach that stage you should consider gently opening up to them starting with the old line about "friends" or "colleagues"but mainly if you think this is going to turn into a serious relationship and hopefully only after you're out of the house. For me, I rarely told them about who I was dating until it was definitely a serious relationship.

For them, I think they kinda figured it would be something I would grow out of. And to some extent, I did change my perspective in my 30s and wanted more of a cultural connection. But, when you're young and want to date people you should date who you want and try to learn about yourself and what you are really looking for. No need to rush this. Let's think practically a little.

We don't know you or your parents. Ask yourself this: Are your parents manipulative? Do your parents usually get their way? When disagreements have broken out with other family members before, is there a long, sustained campaign against that particular family member?

Remember, these are the people that raised you. If your parents fight as dirty as mine, they will exploit any psychological or emotional vulnerabilities against you. And not only you.

If going after your girlfriend will yield results, they may do that too. If you're close to a cousin or brother or uncle, they may use them to try to get to you too.

It's not like the movies, and it might take a long time. Here's a few general things you can do to prepare yourself: Move out of your parents' house, out of their city is even better Very important Make friends that support you, preferably ones that aren't connected to your family at all Have a space away from your family and their home that you can escape to easily Have your own money to spend this only applies if you aren't currently working Possibly look into therapy to have someone to talk to, a family therapist is especially used to handling this sort of thing posted by FJT at PM on August 5, [ 3 favorites ].

OP, would you mind telling us how old you are? I read 'one more year of school left' and assumed, like, sixteen. Another poster assumed around twenty. Big difference. From previous questions, the OP is 23 and in college.

It's just one of those things. I really, really do not think you should tell your parents though I think this question is very specific to an immigrant experience. I am Chinese-American, and my parents luckily did not especially care what race my boyfriends were although they probably would have been pleased if he had also been Chinese-American, no liebut they definitely had certain expectations about my behavior that are hard to explain to people outside.

I think you should approach this as a tactician. Is the amount of trouble you are going to stir up worth whatever change in expectations you hope to achieve? What, specifically, do you hope to gain out of this? For many years I kept huge chunks of my personal life intentionally vague to my parents, and I think this was, for me, hugely beneficial. I think I learned to be tactful about certain things, and got better at ignoring others. I learned to change my expectations, knowing that my parents were who they were.

I will say that moving out greatly improved my relationship with them. When you see each other less often, when you don't feel the daily sense of obligation or guilt-tripping or accusations of cultural betrayal or whatever they heap upon you, it gets better. I feel like I relate to my parents as another adult now, because I am more mature and have gained considerable perspective, and it is frankly the best our relationship has ever been.

But that took time and distance I suspect it might be the case for you as well. Oh, right - thanks, jacalata. In that case, I agree with Sara C. At 23, you're way waaaay too old to let your parents dictate your dating life.

Seriously, people get married at that age. If you don't stand up to them now, this seems likely to turn into a lifetime of them calling the shots. If I were you, I would be doing everything in my power to move out and live with friends for the last year of school. You've been legally an adult for 5 years. It's the only way I got to live a normal, adult-appropriate life.

I know that, in your case, there are underlying cultural issues that I don't know much about, so I'll leave it at that. OP: you have the internet's permission or, at least, some fraction of the Internet to lie to your parents until you're self-sufficient but no longer than that. But you're not abiding by their rules, you're lying to them.

Move out if you can. If you can't, come clean if it won't impact your tuition, and take out a loan to cover your living costs if you need to. When people say 'at 23, you are old enough to do x', what it seems to mean is 'at 23, you are old enough to be able to move into an environment that you control, so you should be able to make your parents agree that since it is possible for you to leave and do x, they should just let you do x and stay in the same comfortable supported position'.

The risk is that the parents will call the bluff and say sure, go ahead and leave. This is why, if he thinks it's at all likely for the parents to respond this way, he should not start openly rebelling unless he's not actually bluffing about leaving and paying his own tuition. Can't speak for anyone else, but I didn't mean that.

I'm about fall over in my chair and spill my chai on my keyboard when I see that the Indian profile I'm browsing is set up BY a woman's parents. I'm Indian and I have been dating a white girl for about months. How do I deal with my parents who only believe in marrying someone who. I don't think Indian parents are % opposed to the idea of dating but they definitely don't see it in the same way Westerners do. Indian.

On the contrary, I think it's impossible to 'make' anyone agree to anything. I think that 23 is too old to be living under your parents' roof, accepting their financial support, and lying to them. If I were the OP, I would either find a way to move out and support myself for the final year go part-time and work part-time, if I had toor cut back on seeing the girlfriend because yeah, no parent is going to believe you're sleeping at a platonic friend's house 4 nights every week.

At the moment, he's running into trouble because he's having his cake and eating it. Trust me, I can see the attraction, but something's gotta give. It is not unusual for Indian parents to expect to be able to tell their children what to do in many aspects of their lives until their children are 25 or even older. In India many parents still help arrange their adult children's marriages.

When the OP says his parents "won't let" him go out at night, that is not because they are manipulative or he is not mature.

It's a cultural difference. I am not from India. I just have lots of first-gen and second-gen Indian friends. This situation with your parents not wanting you to leave the house may actually prove to be a good test of your relationship.

Growing Up With Love, The Indian Way

Is your girlfriend willing to be patient with your situation? If you definitely feel that this woman is someone you want to be with long-term, then you may have to make a choice to move out of your parents' house and start supporting yourself earlier than you had planned to in order to make this relationship work. In my experience it's uncommon for Indian parents to have such a hold on a child post age This way you'll be able to assert your boundaries better, because you'll have more autonomy over your life.

From what I have heard about this sort of thing, this is the plan I recommend for you: a Hide the relationship until you have moved out of the house, have your degree paid for, and are no longer being financially supported by your parents. And seriously, you can't sleep over there as much as you're doing and still hide it.

She's going to have to learn to sleep with a teddy bear or something, because all the sleepovers is an obvious red flag. Also great for all the people out there with overprotective parents. Get to know someone on an intimate level without even having to leave your house. Sneaking behind your mom and dad's back is the easiest way to date, but it's not always the best.

The constant lies, elaborate plans, not to mention it could get exhausting for you and the other person involvedmake it less appealing. Talk to your mom and dad, open up a conversation that you are not a child anymore, and you are also not living in It might be painful and awkward at first, but at the end of the day, no matter how many crazy rules and traditions your parents impose on you, they love you.

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Go on group dates I know this seems so high-school. Date from the comfort of your home This seems like an odd thing to do, but it's actually a lot more common than you think. People think arranged marriage currently and immediately jump to the conclusion that there is an aspect of force involved, where there is no choice but either party member. My parents are in the process of finding someone for my elder sister, for she is at a marriageable age.

I get to see my future, firsthand.

The boy first of all needs to be from a good family, studied at a top university, and have a good career path. Once these criteria are all met, then a dialogue can be started between the parents of the potential bride and groom. If things turn out well, then the girl and boy can be introduced, and if things hit off well, marriage is a sure possibility. There is still a choice. The marriage is not forced.

The two individuals may not hit it off. Result: the above process just repeats itself until it results in a marriage. The point of a marriage partner is to have a person who you can trust with anything. They are that single individual with whom you can share your burdens and seek comfort. My parents are totally in sync with this idea. My mother has said on numerous occasions, that my father is the only person whom she can trust and depend on no matter what.

I just find it so difficult to believe that I can make such a connection with another person without any fallback. That is the point of dating, right? To test the waters and see if you can truly connect with another individual before taking the plunge into marriage?

While I have never explicitly talked to my parents about dating or marriage, over the years I have been able to ascertain what they feel about this topic fairly well. To them, the biggest problem of dating is if it ends in failure.

Dating - Rudy Mancuso & Lilly Singh

When you date someone, you form a connection that you hope is something that will last. A connection that mimics the boundless trust that one hopes a marriage is built upon. To my parents, how can you make such a connection, and if it ends poorly simply start a new connection with another person? This is the same problem that I have in maintaining meaningful friendships as I alluded to earlier. They still hold that knowledge about you, over you.

Then to try to do this again and again until you meet that one person with whom it finally lasts? That honestly terrifies me.

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