Dealing With Addiction In Your Relationship - How To Deal With An Addicted PartnerRecently, I was having a conversation with a dear friend who is also a recovered codependent. There is definitely a stigma attached to it and this will only make it harder for people to come to grips with what is not a simple character flaw, but an actual full blown mental health problem. Validation of their existence. Validation of their self worth. Validation of their worth to even exist at all. The partner becomes the mirror for the codependent reflecting back to them what they most want to see about themselves. That they are perfect, that they are wonderful and, therefore, that they are worthy of love.
How to spot a love addict
Are you ok with just you? Or are you looking for someone to save you? Can you handle being alone? Is it a combination of both of these things?
If you are OK within yourself then you can be far more discerning with whom you choose to date. Because you have nothing to lose. You are simply dating because you would like to meet someone that you can enjoy. A love addict has to be on constant alert of his or her personal motives.
If you feel a void within you, you may pick and choose prospective dates for the wrong reasons. Remember, when we date, we are not looking for our second half.
Healthy dating is about meeting other people who are also complete. Let things happen organically. You can think about the wonderful feeling of his touch, but do not try on his name and imagine the two of you on an Alaskan Cruise as Honeymooners.
Am i dating a love addict
Letting things happen organically means living in the now. Gently push those wanting, needing and fantasy thoughts from your head and replace them with thoughts on your work, or what you are presently doing. Remove the ruminating!
The more you fantasize, or obsess the more you remove the organic nature of what is meant to happen versus what is not meant to happen. Trust me. Step away from the computer. One of the most important steps a recovering love addict can take is to abandon any idea of online dating. Say goodbye to it. Online dating sites are a petrie dish of toxicity for the love addict.
For the love addict and codependent, Internet dating sites are the crack It is as if they have a fuel tank that supplies the gasoline to a race car. Dating. Just like anything else that makes us feel good it is possible to get A love addict relates to people in a painful, compulsive way and will hold onto a. I was a member of the love addicts' club for a good portion of my life as well. That includes no texting, emailing, online dating sites, hookups.
Online dating may be great for healthy people, but not for love addicts. Like it or not, you need to play by the antiquated, SAFE rules from days of yore. I say this not just to the women, but the men as well. Sex to a love addict is never taken lightly. It means something. It usually means a full blown commitment and an excuse to obsess over someone.
To sniff out a person for red flags FIRST, before making any heavy duty commitments, physical or otherwise. Why not make it about other stuff first?
And many of my dear friends on the LAA boards have started to date again Many love addicts who still have a person of addiction (PoA) on. Recently, I was having a conversation with a dear friend who is also a recovered codependent. He had said he didn't really like the label. Even if someone I'm dating's really good looking, I always start off The first time my love addiction really hit full swing was when I met my.
Sex on the first, second, third, etc. Put it off. It can wait. More than that, it might save you from obsessing more than you would if you did have sex.
Do keep a journal. The perspective and instincts we have before we get to know someone intimately are amazingly sharp. I am convinced that every red flag a person might have pops up on the first or second date, if we really pay attention.
Trouble is, when we want something bad enough, we are willing to ignore the red flags, and ignore our gut instincts. Keeping a journal helps us to stay on track and remember how we felt and what we sensed in those first hours.
What was your logical brain picking up on, versus your heart emotions? Looking back we always see with perfect vision. I know. It sounds counterintuitive when talking about dating. Not yet, anyway. Because we tend to be ruled by our emotions and our logic goes right out the window. We are imbalanced in this way.
Our logical brain will pick up on abuse, red flags, neglect, shame and general danger. Our logical brains are screaming at us to leave a bad relationship.
Instead, love addicts focus on learning to date in healthy, Love addicts should not date (or should immediately stop dating) any person who. I did all 10 of the things on this list, in all of my relationships. Some of them lasted for years. I was often accused by women of being a selfish. If you suspect the person you're dating is a love addict, it's best to move on If you'd like to continue the relationship, have an open discussion.
I love him!!!! You cannot be ruled by emotions only. You need a balance of both your head and your heart. Trouble is, because we have been off balance for so many years, we need the pendulum to swing in the opposite direction.
We need to depend more on our logical brain so that we begin to trust it again. Focus on the brain. On the logic.11 Signs You Are Addicted to Love ????
Turn back to your journal. Check for red flags. Be suspicious without acting overly suspicious. Know Your Values. Attraction, chemistry, passion, flirtiness—those things are fine and good and all. Knowing your values is critical to dating.
How can you tell if someone has the same belief in loyalty, respect or kindness as you do? Does he or she share the same work ethic, family values, or relgious beliefs?
Where does he or she stand on marriage, affairs, children, parenting, age, eating, working out, drugs, sex, intimacy and so on.
And I do not suggest you try to find out what your date thinks about child rearing on date 1. But I do suggest that you know what YOUR values are on all these things so that you know what to look out for and how to assess the other person within time. Case in point, I went on a date many years ago with a good looking guy who, on our very first date, asked if I wanted to get high.
Had I known my values, I would have saved myself a lot of time and emotional angst. You need to hold people up to the light and really look at them and not be afraid of what you might see. Your happiness, security and peace of mind depend upon you being honest with yourself. And while I do not suggest scrutinizing people too early on in the dating process, I do suggest being open to communicating, and being patient in cultivating a relationship.
You will not get to know someone over night. It takes months, years. You cannot rush things. People who fall in love fast are red flags. That goes for you, and for your date. It is a sign of instability. Healthy people are cautious, curious, protective with their emotions. Know the signs of healthy partnerand be one too. Blogger, author, giver of relationship advice, Tracy Shields has written extensively on the topic of love addiction and recovery since View all posts by Girl Rebuilt.
Took me a hell lotta time reading this but its totally worth it. Like Like. This is wonderful advice and I really needed to hear it. These are some great advice. Just like in anything we want to be success from, we have to prepare and do our best in dating.
I think that the more effort we exert the more likely for us to find our perfect match. There is some great advice here as usual, thank you for sharing. Just a question that I would appreciate hearing your thoughts on:.
I am an anorexic torchbearing love addict. I have decided that I would like to change this so I have joined a dating agency. But I hate it. I hate meeting people this way, I find it uncomfortable to meet strangers and have to spend an evening in their company.
This is just not me as I find it hard to trust people that I dont know and I am fairly introverted. In fact I believe the reason my love addiction is so bad at times is because I go so long between dates. Therefore when I meet someone I want to hold on to them for as long as I can, as I know it could be another three years before I meet someone that I click with. I understand that there is a fear in me which holds me back at times, and that is something I am working on.
Cook yourself a delicious meal, buy yourself flowers, do all of those little things for yourself that you would wish a partner would do for you.
Accept yourself as unconditionally as you would accept your potential partner. Understand and forgive yourself of your character flaws just as you would in a potential partner. Fix these character flaws within yourself as you would wish to do for a potential partner. There is only one person in this world that you can change and that is yourself. You can help someone, you can support someone, but you cannot change anyone. Only they can do that for themselves just as only you can truly give to yourself the love and attention that you so desperately want.
Most of all, you should not feel ashamed. Surround yourself with those who will support you and your truth. If they do not support you or if they make you feel guilty in any way, then these are not the kind of people you need in your life.
As scientists are discovering, the cure for addiction is connection.
For a love addict, recovery can be very difficult as the thing that a love addict is addicted to is actually also the cure — other people! So, for a love addict, the most important connection to develop first is the one that you have to yourself. Next are the connections that you have with your support network of friends and family, and then to all others. Develop and nurture these valuable connections as you develop and nurture yourself. As you begin to shed away the years of conditioning that you have put upon yourself, you will begin to feel the love that has always been there waiting for you right there inside of you.
Maybe it's time to admit you have a love addiction problem. God will fill the hole in our soul, and help lead us to the right person to date at the right time.
There will come a point in time where you will be so overflowing with this love that there is then only one thing left to do. Share it! Sign in.
Get started. As with any addiction, the first step on the road to recovery is acceptance. Victoria Bohley Follow. Codependence is an addiction, an addiction to love and relationships.
I Love You Relationships now. American expat lost in Sweden, writer, poet, student of life, disciple of love. I Love You Follow. See responses 4.