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After Mom's Death, Daughter Struggles With Dad's Girlfriend - Open to Hope

My Story Of Losing My Dad - Caitlin Bea

It is a larger blow in adulthood I believe, because you are at the point where you are actually friends with your mother or father. Their wisdom has finally sunk in and you know that all of the shit you rolled your eyes at as a teenager really was done out of love and probably saved your life a time or two. I lost both of mine two years apart; my mother much unexpected and my father rather quickly after a cancer diagnosis. My mom was the one person who could see into my soul and could call me out in the most effective way. She taught me what humanity, empathy and generosity means. My father was the sarcastic realist in the house and one of the most forgiving people I have ever met.

I just hope he is doing it in a way that is fair to himself and the woman he is seeing There is no reason why you should have to meet this woman right now. You are still grieving your mother and right now is not the time to see the new woman with your father and being around the family.

He is just going to have to understand your feelings on this issue.

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My mom passed away five years ago and I know I would not have been ready to deal with him dating 2 months after her passing. Is there any way you can have a honest dialogue with your dad and tell him that while you are happy for him, you are not yet ready to have this woman in your life?

Who is hosting Thanksgiving? Your family could always elect to do something different if he insists on bringing her - perhaps have your own Thanksgiving at home or dine out or go to your in-laws. My case is just opposite. I told my daughters that no one will ever replace their fathers love with me we were together 44 years from the time we were 17 years old.

No one on this earth could ever lessen my love or time will never make it better. But to never judge someone that has lost the person that love because no one knows when you start mourning for that person. For me it was the first day we were told he had cancer already stage. I started my grieving then because life changed at that moment.

I also grieved every time I loaded him in the car for all the treatments we had for a year and watched him and our dreams die with him every day ubtil he took his last breath so griving doest start at the time of death. But remember this always family is what makes everything. Your father will always be your father and your mother the same. I think we have to be careful in judging the grieving person, your father may have been grieving long before your mother died.

My husband battled cancer for 18 months, I started grieving the moment I heard the word cancer. There were flags along the way prior to the diagnosis. Nothing can erase our marriages. Again, for those who paint it so. What does this new lady have? That is what mom wanted and he has failed miserably in the 6 months since her death. I guess I thought dad would finally take some time to get to know me, the grandkids and spend time doing things he did not do all the time we grew up.

He always worked or had something to do. I never got to really have my father to myself growing up and even more now. So Girlfriend, I guess no one can have any sympathy for you or take your message and somehow change the way we really feel because you need to have a companion in your old age. Shame on you to the end of time. Shame on you. This is all about you not wanting to be alone, because he did not have enough time to understand his grief nor did any of the other family members.

When two people are together for along period of time and one passes the other is not use to being alone.

Dad dating after moms death

I personally feel that people should have enough respect for others to let the family grieve without bringing a new situtation into the mix. What people in your situtation need to realize it is not all about you, there are children, grandchildren, in-laws. Yes, he is lonely and yes, you are lonely and yes, you both deserve not to be lonely.

She was an exceptional cook, kept a spotless house, and was his best friend. Again, the problem is that it happened too soon - no time for him to grieve properly or me.

If your dating this man is just that - going to dinner, catching a movie, and someone to confide in.

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This website is great. My parents were married for 26 years. My momma lost a long battle with lung cancer, and her death hit me the hardest in the family.

Her and I were so close. I pretty much had a break down. I attemped suicide several times, and quit caring anout myself. She just seems like she tries too hard. Who are all about my age. This kills me.

He tells me not to bring my mom up in front of her. And this is so offensive. He should worry about his own 20 year old daughter, not her kids. I feel horrible about the situation. I guess I just need to keep asking God for his help.

Too soon for Dad to date after Moms sudden, surprising death? By Carolyn Hax. Carolyn Hax. Advice columnist. Email Bio Follow. February 4, Your dad is dating "too much. 11/23/ 10 Things That Changed Me After the Death of a Parent. 08/04/ pm ET ated Nov 23, When you see your friends or even strangers with their mom or dad, you will sometimes be jealous. Envious of the lunch date they have. Lisa Schmidt is a Dating and Relationship coach in Detroit and the author of her own blog. She streams.

WowI really feel your pain. What I would do is to call your dad and tell him you would like to sit down and talk to him alone. Maybe you could try to get to know her and her children. We each have our own stories deep inside our hearts. Concentrate on trying to get to know them and let them see you as the person you are. Try to be upbeat when you are around them. Sometimes it is very hard to be upbeat when you feel such dispair but give it your best shot.

You and your dad need to talk - ask him to tell you how he is feeling too since he lost your mom. Try not to show anger toward your dad but approach him with kindness. Always remember, what you give out is what you get back! I would like for someone to tell me when its ok to date after a spouse dealth.

When a spouse leave this earth what is the widow or widower is suppose to do with the remaining of their life. Are they just suppose to just live their life around their kids and other relatives without a mate. While their kids and other relatives have mates and continue on with their lifes. Can so one please explain this to me. I understand that the lose of a mother or father is painful. I lost my father. However I was not angry with my mother whenshe start dating.

However that does not mean the living spouse is to stop their life. You have to remeber they are human. Everyone needs some type of companionship. So why are people so angry when your mother or father wants to continue their life. Thank you to everyone for sharing their stories and opinions. It really helps me try and understand my situation. I think it really depends on the spouse and family and friends of the deceased.

My father passed away in the spring of after being married to my mom for 40 years. Now, almost 4 months later they are still together. My sisters and I are not comfortable with this because it has become quite serious and it has also changed her personality. We have tried talking to her about it and voiced our concerns. She said that she values our opinions but beyond that nothing much was done. The lack of consideration for our feelings is slowly breaking up our relationship with her.

I truly want her to be happy and have tried step back and look at the situation from an outsiders perspective but I am having great difficulty. They should talk with them and truly take their feelings into account. I guess I have it wrong Anna, I thought its was about what made my mom happy. Because she is human. Which my mom and her friend did say he was not there trying to replace my dad.

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I lost my mother to cancer in November, my father enrolled in one of thoes dating web sites in December. Its April now and my dad has a new girlfriend he wants me to meetwow. I put him off saying how about a rain check. I mean moms been gone for 5 months now and I have to meet the new misses? I think he got mad at me for not jumping at the chance to meet her.

Ive never really been close with my father and this seems to be driving more of a wedge between us. Its like its no longer convient for him to do that. You are correct your dad should not force his new girlfriend on you at this time it is to early. Just tell your dad you are not ready for that right now and you understand his needs.

Also if his new girlfriend is a true freind she would understand also. My mom just passed away 1 month ago this Aprilat the age of She struggled with cancer for over 2 years. I held her hand while she took her last few breaths. It was truly the hardest thing I ever had to do. The way her throat was moving up and down struggling for air.

Watching her stop breathing for 10 seconds and all of us thinking she was gone and all of a tsudden take a breath. I dream about and think about it constantly and it was very traumatizing to me. To make it worse my Dad moved 7 hours from all of us kids and we havent heard from him very often.

I talked to him last night and he lets me know that he is already seeing someone. All he talked about was this womans body and how she works out everyday and she is model material.

He talked about how she was the kind of person that back in the day he would normally rip her clothes off. I never heard my Dad talk about my mother that way not the nasty remarks but simply talk about her beauty. And moving so far away. I understand him wanting to sell the house because mom died in itbut to move so far away!

It feels like he is abandoning us! We kids need him. We just lost our momnow we feel like we are losing him too! I feel like he is being selfish. I think that he is more worried about himself than us kids. Which I know that we are old enough to take care of ourselves but I feel that we need to be together right now.

Its like mom was the glue that held the family together and now that shes gone. And how dare him talk to me like this about the other woman. Like I really want to hear that crap!!!!!!! Someone help me with this. People deserve to be happy but that does not mean they should forget their children. My dad does not spend Christmas or Christmas Eve with his family. Eight months after my mother died my dad gave a woman a diamond.

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And they got married one year after my mother passed away. My parents were married 60 years. I am so glad to have found this website.

My dad died of cancer lung and colon November He was diagnosed last year March and just quickly got worse even started losing his memory walking around the house tearing curtains down we even had to hide his car keys he wanted to go to work.

He was a workaholic. He pretty much worked up until he died. My dad dedicated his life to taking care of our family. We were not rich but we did not want for much.

For much of my mothers life she did not have to work just take care of the family. This is why is pains me to see my mother move on so soon 5 months later. I have a right to my opinion. Another website I just left everyone was telling me to grow up, stop being selfish and thats her personnel affair. The crazy part is they all had both parents in their lives. Thats why i was so surprised and relieved to find people to talk to that can actually relate.

Did she ever stop to consider my feelings as well. I take peoples feelings into consideration in any situation a lot of times before my own. Im a good mother a little over protective but i mean well and they know it and love me regardless.

I just want to thank everyone for their postings. It really helps alot. In March, a recent widow called my dad and made contact. We had to ask my dad if he could fit us into his schedule because they are soooo busy doing stuff.

She is making herself at home. They only spend week-ends together and during the week they are at their respective homes but she is now entitled to his pension. She is needy and always in our face. Maybe they suit each other if they are that mixed up!

Today, they went shopping for a bed. Save me the details. What to do? My mom passed in Jan. A recent widow called my dad in March. Is it possible these people are sometimes looking for financial gain?

Loves his convertible and said to my sister that she wanted to take it to go see her daughter Ahh, can you imagine.

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My mother passed away about 3 years ago. A little less then a year after my mother passed away my father went on a buiness trip and found himself a girl freind.

My mother died from Leukemia ina year later I was shocked to find out my father was dating so soon. The woman who he choose to date knew the family and was not liked by mother. This felt like my father was purposely hurting my mother and myself along with my brother. This lead to many confrontations between the woman, my father, and myself. Many hurtful things were said between my father and myself where we stopped talking and strained our relationship.

When my father finally broke up with this woman, we begun to work on talking again slowly. He then began dating another woman, who I am not completely comfortable with but have learned after experiencing the loss of my spouse inthat what my father said about loving my mother no matter what and that even though he choose to date again he would love my mother no matter what and would do anything to be with her again.

When I first heard this from my father I thought there is no way you love her or even did if you are replacing her.

Now that I find myself in a situation where my husband passed away suddenly in his sleep leaving me to take care of our 2 yr. I have gone through the grief process from both sides. I miss my husband with all of my heart and would do anything to have our life back and the way it used to be. I will love him forever and no one will take his place. He was the best father and husband I could ask for. Yet he would not want me to stop living, and he would not want for me to be unhappy.

That is why I am able to see what my father meant by I can be dating someone and still love your mom and miss her. Because I find myself in the same situation.

I am now dating a wonderful man and find myself missing my husband. I can love my life I had and respect that I need companionship and passion in my new life. I miss my husband everyday and would love for my son to be able to grow up with his father, but I know my husband would want for my son to grow up with a happy mother. So I concentrate on making myself and my son happy for right now. Wow Andrea.

After reading your post I felt like we were kindred sisters! It was really rough, my mother actually talked to me about it days before her death-telling me to not be angry because dad was involved with this woman, that he would need someone when she was gone and that it was okay.

In my case it turned out not so okay. What a huge insight on your part, death has made you more understanding and aware, not less. I wish you great success in love, motherhood, and life.

Thank you. Death is a hard and complicated thing.

My father is dating 3 months after my mom died?

I feel that I am always comparing the difference in my grieving from these two very significant loses in my life. From this I feel like I have been able to step back and gain some insight, and this insight has brought me some healing and clarity. I am so sorry for your losses and the situation you have came upon. I wish you the best.

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It is almost like two deaths in one. My mom died in Decemberalmost a year ago. My dad began dating a woman about 5 or 6 months later. I was appalled and shocked when he told me.

Uncoupled -- Dealing with the Death of a Spouse

He cried and acted all upset when he told me, asking for my understanding. I wish now I would have gone nuts on him and really screamed to him what and how I really felt. He is with the woman constantly.

He leaves work and goes straight to her house and is there until bedtime. I can never reach him on the phone in the evenings we live in two different towns.

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Anyway, I tried really hard, invited him, of course. He left immediately after we ate. It was like he was here to fulfill some sort of obligation or something. Then he started calling her on the cellphone.

11/6/ my mom passed away from cancer at age 52 in late April she was my best friend and it was an awful couple of years seeing her hurting and in so much pain. when she died my dad was devastated. well, he started seeing someone about 2 months after . 1/20/ I know how you feel b/c my dad started posting online to dating sites the WEEK after my mom passed away. My parents were married for 34 years. My dad cried and wrote wonderful things about my mom. BUT he also was seeing women which was just so hard to understand. I was crushed and I am still upset that he is seeing people after just a year. need advice - hard time dealing with dad dating someone right after my mom died. by silverotter on Wed Nov 05, PM. Quote | Reply.

He left immediatly after we ate. I agreed to meet this woman one time just for him. Besides, honestly, I wanted to see what she looked like.

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Shallow of me I know. She was so quiet and boring, nothing like my mom at all. My mom was vivacious and full of laughter and life. I am sure this woman was nervous, and really, she was nice enough. I actually kind of felt sorry for her. I really have no bad feelings for her, I am just hurt and mad at my dad for putting my family and me through this. My daughter is a teenager, just learning about boys and relationships and THIS is the example she gets? Anyway, I am furious about this entire situation.

I am sick to death of reading on all these grief websites that life goes on, no one is expected to spend their life alone, blah, blah, blah. I mean really? Read a book, watch a movie, a ballgame, get online, visit a friend or family member. It is more about the widower than it is about whatever woman they happen to be dating. So that is the short version of my story. Does he not realize how incredibly hurtful this is to me?

So I am basically stuck in this seething state of anger and resentment while also trying to deal with the grief of losing my mother. There are no words to describe the pain and emptiness I feel deep in the very pit of my being. How I struggle each and every day just to make it to bedtime and then get up and do it all over again, all while trying to be a good wife and mother.

Sure, I want him to be happy, but does he really have to be so doggone thrilled and gleeful about it? I am sickened. Even if he broke up with this poor lady today, it will never take away the harm that it has already caused. So I guess that is the short version of my story. There is so much more, but no need to bore anyone with the details.

Just more pain, more hurt, more sadnessI only hope I would never cause anyone the pain that this has caused me and my family. The ironic thing about this is, if heaven forbid, the lady he is dating now were to pass away, how long does SHE think it would be before he were dating a new one?

It really does feel like you lose your father once he starts dating again. I was angry for a long time and this strained my relationship with my dad. There are still times I am so angry at him for choosing his girlfriend, over his family. But for right now I am ok with at least being able to see my father periodically and trying.

I sometimes try to step back and look at both sides.

8/23/ Death in a family is terrible and sad for everyone. My dad passed away May My mom is really lonely. If she started seeing someone I would be happy for her. Our dad will always be in our memories but all of us have to go on without him. We are not about to stop living and I wouldn't expect my mother too. Let your dad be happy.: . 10/7/ Home After Moms Death, Daughter Struggles With Dads Girlfriend Heather asks for advice: In November, it will be two years since my mother died after a prolonged illness. My father started dating a woman this summer. 9/29/ When Mom or Dad wades back in the dating pool. Ian Kerner, Plunging back into the dating pool after the death of a spouse can be tough for anyone. Help make it easier for your parent by giving them support and understanding, not grief. regardless of how old they are. My mom died last spring and my dad started dating after less than 6.

It took a long time for me to be able to do this, and I am not perfect at this. Because if he were to be gone tomarrow I would regret not trying. Not giving him a chance. I am a 41 yr old widower, father of three kids, daughter 8 and twin 6 yr.

I want to offer some perspective based on my experiences. The woman I married and loved did not even resemble the women who died after nearly five years of illness. Colon cancer is a terriblw way to die and I was with her every step of the way right up to the last moment of life. The way they gravitate towards any woman friend or family memeber is deeply sad. We are not open about things at all, but a feeling is not always easy to hide. I expect that whether or not my daughter is 8 or 10 or 15 or even 25, she would never be supportive of me dating, let alone falling in love and she clearly is not happy and has begu acting out a bit.

I was a faithful husband and am a responsible, loving father, but I after burying a brother and a wife, I know that life is too precious to waste. I am on-line trying to find information and guidance on how best to reconcile my love for my daughter, the need my boys have for a mother figure they absolutely love her by the wayand how to explore the possibilities of a life with this woman.

Who is a wonderful and caring person. Hope is a powerful thing and joy in the aftermath of pain can bring you back from the very depths of despair. I will continue to search for answers and hope that I find a way to help my family heal from this tragedy.

Best of luck. Hi Meg, I am in the same situation. No soon after my mom passed, my mothers 1st cousin started coming around. I can see why I never ran into this 1st cousin. It made me sick. She would show him her new necklace or have him smell his perfume not on her wrist right in front of me. I wish I knew how to get passed this. It eats away at me every single day. I hate the fact that someone like her came into our lives only to get what she was after for many years. I even find myself wishing bad things happen to her.

Has anyone been able to move on from the pain of their parents getting involved with someone else so soon? Meg, I know how you feel. My father started seeing another woman about 5 or 6 months after my mother passed away and the sad part is the lady has known my family for years and has been our church member for years. My dad feels that since he lost his wife, it is all about his loss; he does not realize this his kids are hurting and while I know he is lonely, his behavior is unacceptable.

He ignores his kids and grandkids for the most part and seems so involved in himself to take out true, quality time for us. I know it is and my mom passed 5 months ago, but your message was as if I wrote it. It hit the mark with me. It was exactly how I feel and sadly where I am at. I feel my father has betrayed me, failed to live by the promise he made mom to be there for his two girls, and his words that he would never get another woman when mom died.

I feel the woman lacks the very character by doing what she had done, even though dad and my sister feel she helps him, she makes him happy. Our own happiness comes with a price and if that price is our own kids, there is nothing worth losing them. They were the priority, my need to be with a man or re-marry, was not the priority. My kids were. I am 56 and still feel the same way. I lost my mother and need my father. He checked out. He is 20 again and mom has been gone for 5 months.

Weakness is not an excuse and happiness is not always about ones self. Thank you for being so honest in your comments. She had dates lined up and then after the second, started regularly dating. After 3 weeks went away to his winter home for a long weekend. Only told 1 sibling. I found out by mistake - totally devastated. So sada horrible lesson of how not to act.

So many of you have stories that resound with what is going on in my life right now. Her death came as a major shock to us. She was an active, vibrant 72 year old woman who had lots of plans for the future. She and my dad were married for over 54 years and had the picture of a beautiful, loving marriage, one that any couple would aspire to have.

When my mom died, my biggest sadness was not for myself, but for my dad. I wondered how he would ever be able to cope without my mom. They were true soulmates. He read to her every night until she fell asleep. She always fixed his plate. They served each other in love. I was out of town on business.

I called my dad to check up on him. He told me he was upset because my younger sister had hung up on him. He made it clear that he had already made a commitment and promise to marry this woman somewhere down the road. We have been trying to talk to him. He said this woman is the only light at the end of a dark tunnel. I am just mad at him, I guess. The person who talked about teenage behavior is right. He has been seeing this woman.

This woman is playing him, I feel sure. She is playing games, encouraging him and then telling him not to call her any more. Then she calls him back saying she just needs to hear his voice.

He says that she is acting this way because she has been hurt by other men. My sisters and I say that she is acting this way because she is manipulative and plotting. I have told him how I feel, and that is all I can do. My dad broke up with this woman.

Thank God he finally saw through her manipulation before it was too late. My advice to anyone going through something like this is to not alienate yourself from your parent by shaming them or speaking ill of the person they are seeing. It will do no good. Listen to them, support them, be there for them as much as they will let you, and pray, pray, pray. He will now have to go through it.

My sisters and I will be there to support him and love him through it. And perhaps, someday, he will meet a woman who shares his values and can make a life with him. I opened my huge mouth too quickly. I should have known. It is all I can do to keep from having a blow-up with this woman. I have never spoken to her or met her. Well, that is not exactly true. The nerve!!! She has told him he has a dirty mind.

She gets mad at him on every account. She says he is trying to turn her into my mom. So he breaks up with her. ate: My dad officially proposed and she accepted. They will be getting married September My mother passed away from cancer in It was completely understandable.

He claims he wants to do what he wants before he dies. I lost my husband last year. I was married for 24 years, had a familly and it began to grow. And you children may not understand what we go thru. All I can say is that there are many reasons why we want to date and go on with our life. My children were not happy that I told them I was dating, they were hurt and angry. Yes it is about my happiness but my family does come first.

I was not looking for this it just happened. He is someone from my past and I enjoy his company very much and I love spending time with him.

He is not here to replace their father nor is he to replace him as my husband. He is someone I enjoy spending time with and someone to hang out with. He makes me smile again! It felt so good to get on this website and read that so many other people are experience the same things that I am. I lost my mom on March 24, after her very hard fought battle with colon cancer.

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My mom and dad were married for 30 years. He was her caretaker and he held her hand to the very end. All I have known for 26 years of my life is the love between my mother and my father. After her death my husband and I continued to live with my dad to keep him company and ease the loneliness.

We became extremely close with my father and spent countless nights in the living room together playing games. Now, almost 2 years later he has begun dating a woman fairly seriously. So living here with him has made it very hard on me. Regardless of all my feelings though, a daughter cannot fill all the emptiness that is felt.

Point is This is all well and good, but when the parent has dementia, and the women start circling dad before mom is even cold in her grave less than 48 hoursit is scary. I find the article insulting and the comments beyond ridiculous. My mom died last spring and my dad started dating after less than 6 months. My sister and I are grown with our own families, but this feels like the worst kind of betrayal to us.

Are we entering into a childhood state of emotion? Of course we are! But, I feel that any parent should recognize this and approach dating after the loss of a spouse and parent of your child or children in a manner that is respectful to the grieving process of his or her children.

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After all, parenthood is a job that is yours for life, not just 18 years. This article presents a ridiculously shallow glimpse into an extremely complicated phenomenon.

Regardless of age, children are children, and parents are parents. That is or should be what a parent does! Thank you for understanding. I think people see you as selfish and stating your parent has the right to be happy. But when it has been not even a year since the death of your mom or dadit is just too fresh for most involved. I had to find out from my husband. My dad made no real effort to contact me. He told everyone else. He knows I was closest to her, and that this would be devastating.

My dad has a good income and a nice home and is grieving. What would he ultimately offer her? His badly needing mending heart or his money and security? He never comes by anymore. I stay busy, but I grieve my mom deeply every day. I tried to talk to him but got anger Talk to them.

Let them know how you feel. Let them tell you how they feel. The sadness is the heart of it all. That is where the healing would start. My father died of colon cancer and after helping him a bit, my mother got a pretentious job and started dating several men at a time.

The day of his funeral and memorial she left earlier than her guests to be at her boyfriends house. She has three kids, two girls and a boy under I dont know if shes dealing with grief so strong that she cant think straight but I feel shes so happy that she has the inheritance and a million men around her and of course all those guys are telling her to keep the money for herself and forget about the kids for her own best interest, and she is listening to them.

I am a child of hers and it sucks. After five and a half years of marriage, my friends husband passed away from cancer. To her, their lives together were just beginning. Everyone wants to fall in love and have their fairytale come true and there is nothing wrong with that or dating a widower and with this service that was possible, but as a newcomer I told her you need to make sure to manage your expectations - meaning that you state what you want and know what the other wants as well, leaving very little room for disappointment.

CNN welcomes a lively and courteous discussion as long as you follow the Rules of Conduct set forth in our Terms of Service. Comments are not pre-screened before they post. You agree that anything you post may be used, along with your name and profile picture, in accordance with our Privacy Policy and the license you have granted pursuant to our Terms of Service.

Sanjay Gupta. Sex and You. Triathlon Challenge. Brain and Behavior. Healthy Eating. Share this on:. Instead, deal with the issue in a healthier way, by working through your thoughts before you address things with your parent: Recognize the differences.

September 29, at Report abuse Reply. October 17, at Report abuse. Sara Bean This sounds like a potentially Hollywood rom-com waiting to happen September 29, at Report abuse Reply. Lara HOW dare you sara!

3 thoughts on “Dad dating after moms death”

  1. In my opinion, it is actual, I will take part in discussion. I know, that together we can come to a right answer.

  2. I can not take part now in discussion - there is no free time. I will be free - I will necessarily write that I think.

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