Mormon Dating Culture (Male Perspective)Try to focus on the social, not the romantic, aspects of dating until you might consider marriage. First of all, this would be a great topic to discuss with your parents and your bishop or branch president, and we encourage you to do so. Now, having said that, here are some things to consider. And President Gordon B. We like that definition because it points out two major aspects of dating. This is the aspect of dating you should focus on until you reach the age where you might consider marriage. Group dating is ideal for this purpose.
President Spencer W. The fun, social aspect of dating is as easily achieved by participating in wholesome activities with worthwhile friends. Temple marriage should be your goal.
Obviously, devout Mormon parents would prefer for their kids to marry within the church. When our oldest son began getting serious with his non-member . It makes dating and marriage outside the faith much more difficult. The attitudes and acceptance of the non members was more similar to the Mormons I grew up with, so dating outside the Church was a better fit. For about a year now, I've been dating a man who is not a member of our How could I help a non-Mormon spouse to feel like a member of my.
Before you consider dating nonmembers, try fellowshipping them to church and see how they feel about it. What you find may be a strong indication of whether you should consider dating them.
Here in England, members in a ward usually live far apart, and it is difficult for the youth and young single adults. But the wait is worth it. You will receive so many blessings and you will realize how wonderful a relationship that includes the Spirit can be. My current boyfriend is the first LDS young man I have ever dated, and the difference between him and all my previous experiences is phenomenal!
I urge you to wait and date an LDS boy or girl. What you really need to do is pray. Early in our relationship, I gave some thought to the question of whether I would ever be willing to marry a non-Mormon. As our relationship has progressed, this vague hypothetical question has led to some much more concrete thinking about what an interfaith marriage would be like for me, for him, and for us.
How could I help a non-Mormon spouse to feel like a member of my ward family when he is not a member of my church? I am willing to add his religious observances to our worship as a couple and as a family, but should I also be willing to give up some of my participation in my own faith — for example by attending the temple or Sunday services slightly less often in order to spend more time as an entire family?
Is it wrong to make those types of sacrifices? Is it wrong not to?
Is it naive to think we could raise our children to fully participate in two different faiths? If it is even possible, would it strengthen or weaken their ability to develop a personal relationship with their Heavenly Father? The doctrinal and afterlife issues around a non-temple marriage are an entirely different topic, and one that I am personally much more at peace with than my questions about how one might make an interfaith marriage work in this life. I realize that the answers to many of these questions may be different for every family, and that we need to continue to discuss them more as a couple as we continue to think about our future.
Still, I would be interested to hear your perspective and that of your readers. For the first time in my life, at age twenty-seven, I am in a relationship that is good and loving and serious enough that I believe it may lead to marriage. Like many single members of the church, I have often wondered whether I would be willing to marry someone outside of the temple, and over the past few years I have come to believe that I would be willing to do so. Now that my boyfriend and I are beginning to talk about a future together, though, I realize that I need to consider this question of marrying outside of the church very carefully.
I have observed in relationships among friends and family inside and outside of the church that holding a temple recommend does not guarantee a strong, happy marriage. I intend to spend some quality time in the temple, with my bishop, and with close family and friends as I think and pray my way through this decision, but I would also value your insights into this.
They could fill a book, the stories I could tell! Interfaith marriage. Frequently hilarious. But easy? And you will be shocked! By exactly how much ESPN gets watched in the course of a man-day. And how little some men understand the value of a well-dusted baseboard. It is positively shocking. But wait a minute! Interfaith marriage is but one variety of the learning experience.
To Date within or without the Church?
And there are questions and lessons that dual-faith couples face that zero-faith or single-faith households do not. Will people have feelings about your interfaith marriage? Of course. They might be disappointed, or overjoyed, or judgmental, or supportive. And their feelings about your marriage are their business—not yours.
Of course, your parents will care most. It may change your relationship to them forever. But that parent-child relationship was bound to change anyways as you become an adult. All parent-child relationships do. Be gentle with them and yourself.
“It is for this reason that the Church counsels against early dating. Do not take the chance of dating nonmembers, or members who are untrained and faithless. I am currently dating a Non Member. I am in love with her. We've been dating for a really long time and know everything about eachother. I feel that it is absolutely okay to date nonmembers, especially in high school. I grew up in Nevada, and there were quite a few LDS youth in my.
What about the folks at church? Only idiots are unfriendly to non-Mormon spouses. Because what are Mormons about? Converts, baby. Every new set will see your man with fresh and hungry eyes as a potential golden contact. And unless they are total cretins your ward members will love him too. And if you do belong to a ward full of cretins, you must do everyone a favor and just ignore them until they go extinct.
Because people who have problems with interfaith families must needs shortly become a thing of the past.
Today, at my ward sacrament meeting, in the back section of the chapel where I was sitting, all the women except one were Mormon wives in interfaith families. Welcome to the future. But it is important to be ruthlessly honest with yourself about how you feel about it. And you must be honest in your conversation with God about it.
But Mormon theology is also rich with opportunities for second chances. God loves every last one of us, regardless of religious affiliation. Be fruitful and multiply. Fall in love, learn, make some mistakes, laugh, serve other people, reproduce, and let the whole story start again. Do you really love him, honey? Mazel tov. And can you talk about hard things together?
If so, then step away from the internet and go look him in the eyes and take his hands and start asking him all the questions you asked me.
I hope. Keep me posted, please. Happy Hannukah! Send your query to askmormongirl gmail. Filed under marriage. I was thinking about this last night after listening to Radio West. Some of the guests talked about the importance of helping hard core mormons to be open and accepting to ALL their brothers and sisters in the church, regardless of sexual orientation.
I got to thinking about how I and others in my ward might react if a same sex couple attended church and how those views might WILL, fingers crossed change over the next decade.
I adore the show New Normal and one of my favorite episodes is when Bryan decides to go back to church and the Father is so cool with him. I have a friend who identifies as bi-gendered and often feels most comfortable in femme. Good luck to you and your boyfriend.
In fact, the church is designed to help people come unto Christ, who is the only one who can change our hearts and help us overcome ourselves to come back to him. Everyone has their own sins and impure thoughts they need to overcome. You need to repent and change. I think your response is Bang on. While that is the case sometimes, it Is much more of an exception than a rule. Would you rather give up the prospect of being married in the temple, the assurance of children being raised in the church, and parts of Mormon culture for your boyfriend, or a great man for your beliefs?
As these are probably the two most important things to you, it will most likely, be a very difficult decision…follow your heart and the spirit. Best wishes in whatever you decide! But no one can move on to one of the 3 Kingdoms until they accept Christ and totally repent. We can also save our errant children by our valiancy too.
So it will just be for this life that it may be hard to have a non-believing spouse. This is the type of doctrine that Joseph rejected and so have the leaders of the church. No doubt that all rightetous persons will accept Christ but not everyone that dies will be righteous. And of course we have been taught—by Brigham Young, at least—that even when Christ comes during the Millenium there will be those who will not accept him as their Savior even if they accept him as the leader of the world.
There will, in fact, still be churches besides our own. We all know people who know that the gospel is true but they will not accept it. With that same attitude they will rise up on the other side of the veil. I have recently seen too much of these false promises that people use to make others feel good. The reality is that while God gave us a gospel of love and stands always ready to give us a helping hand, his mercy will not rob his justice.
Men and women must be willing to accept what they know to be true. No doubt that some will be valiant up on the other side of the veil, but just as sure there will others who will reject salvation because of their high mindedness. What a fascinating response as always. I learned, growing up, that very principle, that you HAD to marry a member or your marriage was doomed.
I also remember my father a stake president telling me the night before I got married that every single couple he had counseled through marriage struggles were not reading their scriptures or praying together every night. About two years into our marriage, I got sick of waiting in bed for him to come read scriptures with me. It was actually causing more of a rift than bringing us together.
So, guess what… We stopped!
If we can say them together, great; if not? Not the end of the world. And you know what? It has just made me realize that these formulas a lot of us Mormons learn growing up about how to have a happy marriage are, well, crap. The sons inevitably went inactive later in life. Would they have stayed in the church if dad was a member? Who knows, but I think it was especially hard for the moms of young men. In the end, if the guy is the keeper you say he is then go with your gut.
There will be struggles in marriage and childrearing whether or not he is a member. I am literally too lazy to get up and get the computer. Some Mormons believe the Telestial Kingdom will be littered with spouses who refused to get baptized.
I love how this applies to ALL marriages! Also, love how you describe how God has our backs and we can actually act on the notion of things hoped for that are not seen instead of the quaint pseudo idea that all things are known in advance, step by step, and lead to mortal and eternal bliss. I wanted so badly to marry a guy who had recently left the church. Of course my parents love each other very much and would not choose another spouse, which is why her response caught me off guard.
I think she felt that it was important for me to understand the types of challenges in an interfaith marriage. And of course, everyone has a different experience. After a lot of thought during that relationship with a non-Mormon, I laid out exactly what struggles I was probably going to face: 1: I was worried about my own faith. Is this a sign of my own weakness?
I wanted that full support though I am certainly not saying that marrying a Mormon ensures that. I thought about those deeply spiritual moments I had had in life and how special they were to me. It made me sad to think that the thing that was most important my life — my faith — was something that I could never fully share with my husband. It was more about my own spirituality and our relationship in our marriage. I want to serve a mission in my old age with my husband.
Joanna mentioned that our theology is rich with opportunities for second chances. If you decide to marry this man, you both will find a way to be happy and have a wonderful marriage, not that perfect that we see in the Sundays at Church. I totally say: go girls, go be happy, go have your family.
And no one has the right to judge you for your decision. My nonmember husband and I have been married for almost 18 years. I dated many LDS guys before him. None felt right, ever. But the idea of marrying my husband felt right from almost the get-go and, my patriarchal blessing made so much more sense!
Interestingly, my parents felt the same way about him. Not every LDS person does, unfortunately. The decisions we have made in how to raise our kids have been our decisions alone. We feel good about our choices, but know it might not be the right path for everyone. An interfaith marriage can be done well or disastrously, or even only being made up as you go.
I would never change my decision to marry him. Not in endless discussions of temple marriage, not ever. This is right for me and for us. Best wishes to those struggling with these big, life-altering decisions.
If I had one thing to add, mixed race marriages are quite similar. My experience has been that personal similarities and differences are a bigger element than cultural differences. Additionally, just as corporate cultures exist, so does it exist for every family. It is amazing how different values and outlooks, interpersonal relationships can be from family to family. At least people of different races are aware of those differences, and are on alert to deal with them.
Also, as Joanna points out, men and women already inhabit a separate culture. Rawkcuf, maybe your comment is like your name and intended backwards, but what do you mean by differences between races?
The point made was that a parallel can be drawn between interfaith and interracial marriages. I would say though that racial differences are NOT like religious differences, certainly not those between Mo and Nomo. Racial differences can be very trivial—they really didn't come up much for my parents, for example—and are basically false differences. Religious differences, however are real. Whereas white and black may both sleep in on Sunday and tie their left shoes first, Mos have a set of behavioral norms that are in serious conflict with Nomo lifestyles.
True Believer Mos base their actions on a set of priorities that make no sense to Nomos. Mixed races, however, are NOT tied into opposing beliefs and mixed races don't try to "convert" each other.
There may be underlying personality similarities, but if the answer to "what shall I do next" is always trumped by a Morman frame of reference for one partner, but not the other, conflict is inevitable. I think it was Spencer Kimball who counselled that before marriage you should keep your eyes wide open and then after marriage keep your eyes half shut.
Within a cultural group marriage is hard. When you mix cultural groups you increase the difficulty. Bet as Joanna has said there are some things you should think carefully about — and this needs to be done with your head, not your heart.
As Joanne mentioned, should you marry interfaith, you will have lots of help from fellow ward members on converting your spouse. How will your spouse feel about that in 20 years? If you remain active, Church service is very demanding of our lives — not a Sunday thing.
Is your spouse willing to give you up on Sundays, and half your weeknights? And depending on his views of the Sabbath, you will probably get the tug of war on Sundays. And after years of this struggle, will your love for him and desire to avoid the hassle cause you to reduce your activation? How do you really feel about that? Do you believe in the Gospel as taught by the Church? Do you truly believe in temple marriage as a requirement for Celestial attainment?
If you do believe it fully, are you not really going to want him to make the conversion ultimately? Now look at the flip side — if he loves you, and realizes you fully believe, how will he deal with the importance of the temple to you? Willl he build resentment at the struggle to get him to change whether real or imagined?
Will he be happy knowing that you are giving up something of incredible importance to you? Will he possible convert just to make you happy without really buying into it?
How do you feel about that? Love is what we do, not what we feel. Affection will come and go based on our attitudes, and will not carry through the rough spots — married in the Church or outside. Full respect and care. I do wonder if you ask this blog just to get supporting advice? Is your mind made up and you want justifying support?
There is no question that God loves all of His children, and that obviously includes non-members. It would be ludicrous to think otherwise. But the issue of marrying a non-member raises two fundamental problems: 1 Do you believe in eternal marriage or not?
That idea seems so contrary to the nature of God. I think the LDS have been vastly over-simplifying that doctrine. But I do believe in modern prophets and that God gives no commandment that is not for our own happiness. So while I believe that, in fact, non-celestial families still can be together forever, I also think that there must be great merit to qualifying for the whole Enchilada—which I perhaps cannot fully appreciate at this time. In other words, eternal marriage really is worth it, I think.
It is an act of faith. That of course does not mean all eternal marriages should have been entered into or will succeed. Now if your faith is not so strong to begin with, this perhaps is no big deal.
But if your faith is a key part of your life, this is huge. My dear faithful LDS aunt married a good non-member man. Fifty years later, not one of her 3 children, her dozen grandchildren or her numerous great grandchildren is an active member of the LDS church.
Most want nothing to do with the church. It is the greatest sadness of her life. And her husband now is dead and she is left to wonder about their future. I would not fear as much as she does, but that is her reality. Her experience may or may not be typical, but it is something to consider.
Children thrive on clarity and consistency. Learning from a young age that any religion will do means that your children almost certainly will ultimately believe that any religion will do. But of course this does not mean that mixed religion children cannot grow up to be LDS stalwarts. All this said, God is love and fully understands and appreciates your problem. I believe that there will be a lot more mercy than justice being dished out at the judgment.
Consider also the evolving perspective of the potential husband. When my wife and I married, we were very different, but I found all the differences delightful. I still feel enriched by the contrasts, but in the important things, we have largely come together.
Jesus might have seemed like a cute, imaginary playmate at first, but on some level I would have been expecting to help her get over it. Over the years, it would have felt increasingly burdensome to accommodate practices that seemed to me like superstition. The intrusion into my life of an apparently irrational belief that was immune to my influence would have been felt more keenly every year.
Now the Pew survey only took into account self-identification, i. These are also only the American statistics. Dozens of missionaries have told me that the gender ratios in other countries are far, far worse. The only options for these women involve seeking a partner outside of the church, or a lifetime of celibacy. If it seems one is unable to find a spouse within the church, which commandment do you keep? At what age do you baptize? If your spouse believes in infant baptism, will you allow the children to have that?
If your spouse thinks 8 is too young to get baptized, are you all right with waiting until they are older? Our daughter is 6. In my view, baptism at 8 is just a variation on infant baptism. Good luck to both of you on working this out, and if you decide that interfaith marriage is something you can handle and your gentlemen turn out to be the right men for you, then welcome to the club.
I was thinking the same thing when I read this. Single women who are educated, regardless of religion, are also going to find similar gender imbalances among their educated peers nowadays.
Spending a lifetime single is not something most people would choose to do, but fear of being forever single should never be a deciding factor in entering a marriage, lest serious problems go unaddressed before serious commitments are made.
LDS theology heavily promotes the idea that marriage and family are an important source of happiness in this life, not just the next.
From her summary, he just did not understand her dilemma at all. I have been happily married to a non-mormon for 20 years. I am active in church, I take my kids regularly, and I have callings. I believe strongly that I was meant to marry my spouse. Having said that, I believe strongly that it takes a special individual who can remain active in the church and have a non-traditional marriage.
It is not something that should be taken lightly. And as many posters stated, it is something that needs to be seriously discussed with your potential partner.
Additionally, you need to take stock of your beliefs and acknowledge they may change overtime. You will desire to have that eternal marriage, to have that support in taking kids to church, to be able to talk docterine with a like-minded individual. Finally, the decision of whom you marry is really between you and God. Have those candid conversations with HIM, ponder, and listen closely for the guidance of the Holy Ghost.
If this is someone you are to marry, then the rest will take care of itself. As an atheist with Buddhist undertones who married a non-practicing, god-believing Mormon at the height of his questioning, I find this so interesting to me. We have been married a mere 3.
Lds dating non members
But I do still largely consider us an interfaith couple. The most important thing is an open dialogue, as you say, and utmost respect for the other person. There is a lot about Mormonism I am still struggling to understand, but I am reading faith-based memoirs and studying up on Mormonism as well as other religions but the relevance here is on Mormonism. I know my husband appreciates me looking into it because he knows I am doing it to gain an understanding into the culture he was raised in. And he is reading one of my favorite Buddhist-based books, in an effort to understand my beliefs.
The independent work is just as important as the work we do as a couple. Life is a journey and going through it with a true partner, and a mutual respect for curiosity, is so far greatly rewarding. I married a NOMO after a lengthy temple marriage and divorce. Like you I grew up with and taught the standard LDS beliefs about temple marriage, celestial kingdom, etc.
After my divorce I dated Mormon men — disastrous. He has no vices, is the happiest person I know, is a healthy role model of manhood for my teen daughter and loves me to the depth of his soul. Initially I thought he would join the church and life would get back on the only track I knew. I simply do NOT believe he and I will not be together after we die. Sadly, my ward shuns us. I even had someone tell me I should know better than to marry a nomo.
And a YW leader feels soory for my daughter who is growing up in a home without the priesthood. I gave her a piece of my mind as my home is much happier and healthy now then when I was married to my x.
In my experience, life-long member, many Mormons have difficulty thinking outside the box, and putting forth effort to inclue and love. As Joanna said, marriage takes some work no matter what, but being married to your best friend, and listening to the spirit brings great blessings.
You;ll get the answer you need…prayers and blessings for you both. However, and this might sound sad. However, I believe there are rules set, and we receive certain blessings when we obey said rules. I believe rules are to be obeyed. I recommend that talk. In the end, God is a just God. I love my non-member husband of nearly 20 years.
He is truly my soulmate and I shudder to think that if I had not chosen to marry outside of the church, I would not have had this life with him. I suppose it depends on your personality. I have a tendency to be overly sensative emotionally and the trauma of being forced to choose between someone I love and want to spend the rest of my with and Eternal Mormon Celestial Salvation caused me extensive emotional damage that I have struggled with ever since. Maybe it was because I was so young when I made the choice, maybe it was because I was the oldest child in an extremely active family with parents that just expected me to be a shining example to the younger kids.
Kimball said it was best to marry a nonmember as long as he was a good God-fearing person. But obviously younger women should only date members; dating non-members should only be done by those who have had no success finding a spouse inside the Church. I suppose guys that have joined or become active later in life and have not gone on missions suffer some exclusion from picky girls. Luckily for me he joined the Church of his own volition a few days before we wed.
This was good for missionary work, but it has caused some challenges. But it has meant that I have stayed in the fold of the Church rather than leaving like many others in my position have. We all have to deal with what life brings us, which is dependent on the choices we make.
VimUK. I especially loved your last sentence, Vim! Well done! I think it is absolutely wise counsel to date those who are church members and who are worthy.
Having been married to a nonmember I know first-hand how difficult it is to make a marriage work the more differences there are in your values. The real danger is that worldly teen relationships can so easily become faux courtship, and it is hard to give up those you originally sin with even when you know you should. And sometimes the only person in a community who shares high standards is not the LDS peer.
I absolutely stand on the idea that when you start acting in ways that belong to marriage, and when you have reached the age and maturity where you can see yourself getting married immediately to the people you are seeing, you need to be restricting your selection process to those who share your love of the Savior, who practice the gospel much the same way you do, and who are worthy to take you to the temple.
But until then, being with a variety of good people will broaden horizons. You make good points, RNP. If you want to read the updated guide, click here. Lucky for me my husband dated outside the Church, because I was not a member or even likely to become one when we met. The other three parents objected. When I met being a church member was his only flaw; he was otherwise the perfect man. The upside to that is that I became a spiritual rather than social convert.
We have told our children that the default is to just date inside the Church, but that we should follow the spirit at all times. One of my three kids was told in a patriarchal blessing to marry someone magnifying his calling, among other things. We really need to realize that what would be disastrous for one may be wonderful for another. We need to always be mindful of individual revelation as well as really good advice from our leaders.
Happily Ever After. What a terrific letter, Happily!
I'm not exaggerating when I say that there are no LDS young people to date in my Before you consider dating nonmembers, try fellowshipping them to church. I didn't marry until I was 30 (late for a Mormon!) and I did date non-members, one of whom I had become serious with. I spoke with my bishop. My mother is a devout Mormon who married a non-Mormon (my Dad). My father's .. I was once a nonmember dating a member. My husband.
Loved what you said about the default being to date inside the Church, but that you should follow the spirit at all times. I worry about this a lot. I grew up in an area with very few members, and out of those few there were not many I would want to date. In some cases they were not worthy. Also, I had been in their Primary, seminary and youth classes for so many years that they felt more like brothers than romantic interests.
My daughter is growing up in a similar situation, and I worry about her future dating prospects. Besides her brother and younger sister she is the only member at her school.
I teach the ward seminary, and we have an enrollment of four kids. She is excited about going into Young Women this year, but by the end of the year there will only be five Young Women in our ward. I have heard all the stories of dating nonmembers and them joining the Church.
But I have found it seldom happens.
Instead they fall in love get married hoping the nonmember spouse will change. This seldom happens, and they always have a wedge in their marriage and in their future raising of children with very different standards.
Or they get sick of trying to change the person and fall away from the Church as it is easier. Or they find it too hard to keep the commandments when someone you love pressures you to break them and leave the Church because of guilt. The main reason is I worry about the boys I hurt. They fell in love with me just as I did with them.
When I realised how serious we were and that they had no plans on changing religion and I would only accept a temple marriageI broke both their hearts and mine. I feel guilty about that.
I hurt them, not because there was anything wrong with them, but because I had gone into a relationship thinking I could change someone.
Going into a relationship wanting to change someone is wrong. Once I realised how much I hurt them and meI stopped dating non-members.
I eventually recrossed the path of one of the boys from my youth luckily we had only briefly been in youth together so he was not too much like a brother. We had both since served missions and grown a lot, and we were able to get married in the temple. We have prayed about moving to a place with more members but have been strongly guided to settle here. Elissa CanberraAustralia.
You never know what good influence you may have had on some of them. Who knows? Perhaps one may have eventually joined the Church or become a better person outside the Church because of your example. I dated only members before I was married I got married in the temple.
Eight years later I was divorced and in my early 30s. Dating was very different this time and lots of times it was depressing. It was interesting. If I called them on something they were more likely to deny it. But non-LDS men were more straightforward and they seemed to respect it if a woman said no. He was baptized but never converted. Non-LDS women found him too conservative.
He was stuck in the middle. His parents were very turned off and still cling to their Catholic friends as a refuge. Or, they are only nice to you if they feel like you will convert. I keep trying to help my home teachers see that they are coming for me and my son, not for my husband. My husband tells me in private if they start to proselyte he will get angry and let them have it.
People invited him to dinner often, not telling him that missionaries would be there too. Sorry this is so long, you touched a nerve!
I say, love em anyway whether or not you date them. I had just graduated from high school. I stayed there to attend nursing school while others in the ward went to BYU.Mormon Marriages - Made Simple
I met my husband who was in training at the hospital, and we began dating. When it appeared to us both that this could be a serious relationship he asked me what difference my church was going to make. When I explained that it would make a big difference and about temple marriage, he began to investigate.